As we endure day #20392402 of our lockdown in NYC, I realize that I’ve gone through enough negative thoughts. Thoughts about how our lives have been changed forever, thoughts about how we are going to have to adapt to the new normal, thoughts about how much I miss my friends and most likely wont be able to see them for a very long time. Thoughts about how everyone must be going stir crazy staying inside all day. So I came to a decision today: I’ve decided to write about and share one positive memory each day that I’m stuck at home. Each day I will talk about a memory that makes me happy, warm inside, and helps me hope for a better tomorrow. Positive affirmations and memories can carry us a long way, especially when the reality of life around us is bringing us down.

Today’s memory is of several years ago, when my best friends and I left school early to go to Dumbo, underneath the Brooklyn Bridge. It’s a beautiful area consisting of a walkway by the water, a pier, several restaurants as you walk down the strip by the water, and a gorgeous carousel, “Jane’s Carousel.” It’s something you might see in a movie, the perfect harmony of light and sound against the river behind. It’s a hot spot for photo shoots, romantic dates, and just a nice area to sit among your thoughts.

I still remember the carefree atmosphere all around us, as we sat at one of the wooden tables eating our McDonalds meals. We took obnoxious photos against the backdrop of the city, and laughed and laughed until we felt like our ribs would fall out. The sound of our carefree laughter echoed around us, as we took what we considered gorgeous photos back then. Thank goodness we did not post any of them. But that did not matter.

What matters is the vibrant atmosphere we felt all around us; we felt happy, carefree, and hopeful. Hopeful that when we would leave from there that night, we had strengthened our friendship even more. Hopeful that all we had discussed that day would resonate in our lives, the advice would be fruitful, and that we would remain best friends forever. I am humbled to admit that we are all still in each others lives, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What memory brings out your smile? 🙂

Often there were days when my Mom would tell me Tumhare andhar bohat ehsaas hai, aur yeh ehsaas kabhi kabhi ghuttan deti hai. She was saying “you carry too much emotion, and sometimes this much emotion can be overwhelming; it can be stifling.” I would laugh her off and say that I am absolutely fine the way I am. Now, years later, I sit here upset because I know a friend who is going through something tragic and I can’t stop thinking about her. Just a day ago, I was overflowing with joy because I found out my relatives from Pakistan were finally coming to NY soon to be with us. Life is just a carousel of emotions, and we are just visitors, going round and round.

For the past week I’ve been dealing with heartbreak of a different kind. All these emotions all at once in my heart has been overwhelming, and I find solace in my prayers but also in the sweet melody of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. I press play, put my head down, and drown the world away. Moments like these make you wonder, which of the two extremes would you rather be, someone who feels too much, or someone who feels nothing at all? What is life but a fleeting glimpse of emotions, heartache, love, sadness and death. As I sit here with a heavy heart, a whirlwind of thoughts brewing in my mind, I thought it best to convey this message to the universe and see how you all feel.

How do you deal with caring and loving too much? Is it better to love immensely, or not love at all?

xoxo.

As we all sit at home for our safety, we’ve all definitely had more than enough time on our hands for extracurriculars in the house. Whether that may be starting a new workout routine, or taking up cooking lessons via YouTube and perfecting that dish you’ve wanted to perfect for the past year. I myself am now a great samosa maker, but thats beyond the point. (The ratio of ghee to water is the secret guys, leak it out there!)

I’ve always been a big cinema buff and have watched everything from “Harry Potter” to “Lord of the Rings”, from “Citizen Kane” to “Its a Wonderful Life”. “The Bridges of Madison County” never fails to reduce me to a fetal position, crying over a love that was portrayed so beautifully. Cinema is such a thing of beauty, it can really bring you to your feet in tears or whisk you away to a land where nothing matters. I re-watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and had absolute goosebumps again. It is a masterpiece of its own category.

It made me ponder one thing. There are several things I’m sure we’d all love to have erased from our memories. Memories of trauma, memories of heartbreak, memories of tragic events in our lives. It made me wonder how free a person can be in their own mind, but also how trapped you are as well. Your mind is your birdcage and your mind is also your paradise. You are free to think what you want in your mind, to unleash all emotions far far away from everyone’s view. But when a person is stuck with memories they’d like to erase, our minds can also become prison for our thoughts. When this happens, we begin to show signs on the outside of distress. One thing is for sure: I’m sure we’d all love to erase the COVID-19 days from our lives. And rightly so. So many innocent people around the world have lost their lives to such a horrible virus. May they all rest in peace.

If there’s anything you are struggling with in your mind, bad memories, trauma, tragedy, please know one thing: You can always reach out to somebody. Like I’ve read in one of my favorite quotes, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”- Fred Rogers. This world may have its flaws but I do know one thing, that the love of community and family and friends, is very strong. We all need to pull for each other in times like these. And as always, my inbox is always open to anyone that would like to chitchat.

If you had the ability to erase something from your mind, what would it be? Leave your thoughts below, and stay safe, stay home. xoxo.

“The Fault In My Heart”

I didnt know I loved you, but you made me smile.

I didnt know I loved you, when you had to go.

I didnt know I loved you, but you stayed a while.

I didnt know I loved you, when we had our first row.

I didnt know I loved you, when she took you away.

I didnt know I loved you, when it was your wedding day.

I know that Ive loved you, this whole time.

Ive always loved you, but youll never be mine.

F. F.

Life is a mirror and sometimes it seems a tad foggy, sometimes crystal clear. What we partake in our journey is a lap full of memories, some that we choose to divulge in, and some that we like to keep locked away for our own privacy. The provocative nature of this life is that things always seem to draw us back in towards what we may try to avoid, and sometimes it may try to lure us in with murky dreams that are written still wet on papers as thin as our souls.

There are many a days that I sit here in my living room, and observe the bustling household I have and am grateful beyond measure for it. I have a husband, a healthy child, and a loving family that lives a mere 5 minutes away. I have a roof above my head, I have meals on the table, I have a place to call home. I have a place that I can sit in and cry, I can share memories with my child as she waddles from one room to another. I have a place where my parents come and dote on their grandchild as I complete tasks that I was not able to before.

I have a home where I know the minute I step inside, my child will come running to me with her arms wide open. I have shelter, food, and peace. And yet, why am I always waiting for the other shoe to drop?

The absurdity of life sometimes is that, even though we may be blessed in these manners, we as humans always relish and crave that other part of life that is solely ours. Everyone has a separate life, and not necessarily a bad one at it. When I’m alone, I like to utilize that time to listen to music at the loudest volume possible. I may gather a friend or two for a walk, or run a few errands. I always make sure to catch a movie at the theater in Times Square in Manhattan, because that is where I truly feel that New York is certainly alive.

As humans we always crave that excitement, the element of surprise, the idea of something new. I adore my family, and yet I always adore the time I have to myself with me, or with my friends. That is the part of me that will only remain ME, and not someone else’s.

We should always make time in our lives to be eternally grateful for all the amenities that we are blessed with. We should also never lose our true selves in the hustle and bustle that is called LIFE. It never ceases to change and it never stops to accommodate anybody, and we should never let the time pass to make space for regrets in the future.

Live your life, and love your life, as you.

F.F.

Life brought about many calamities and obstacles in the past few months, even years. It has been a difficult time for the family and I, but by the grace of God, all is well now.

I had strayed away from my desire to write, and let worldly problems affect everything that I aspired to excel in. I do hope in being able to continue to use this page as an outlet for writing and all that I care for. Please stay tuned for all the content that will be coming your way. xoxo.

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